Thursday, 27 November 2008

Stringfellow's Customers "Not Really Interested In Tits"

Nightclub owner Peter Stringfellow, giving evidence to a commons select committee on lap-dancing, has claimed his customers are "Not really interested in tits and in some cases frankly disgusted by vaginas".

"Stripping is a tiny, almost trivial part of our business plan", Stringfellow insisted, "We mostly ask the girls to undress because their pale skin relects the spotlights into the dimly lit private areas and saves on electricity. The savings on uniforms are also considerable. This has nothing to do with sex. Eugh, icky icky, girls and their dirty disgusting girl-bits, I don't like them at all".

Arguing before MPs that his establishment should not be subject to a tightening in the licensing guidelines, Mr Stringfellow said his clubs were a part of the normal leisure and entertainment industry, and should be licensed in the same way as playgrounds and girl guide centres.

Customers queuing at his Soho venue were unimpressed by the news. One, who wished to named only by his online nickname MassiveDickNoReallyHonestIt'sJustColdInHere said "I didn't come here for the tacky decor or the sleazeball with the 70s hairstyle. That's it - I'm going somewhere where the business plan IS about seeing tits. Like the mammogram place at the hospital."

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Cameron: Darling "Should Focus on Economy, Not Eyebrows"

David Cameron has criticised the chancellor for what he claims is a "total lack of focus" on Britain's pending economic crisis. The leader of the opposition received rousing cheers during Prime Minister's question time when he suggested Mr Darling was more focused on grooming his infamously dark eyebrows than he was on providing real help to those worst affected by the economic downturn.

Darling was quick to play down the issue demanding to know why Mr Cameron had done so little to help the public simply because his party wasn't in power and hates the poor.

At a hastily-organised press conference after the showdown Darling admitted he has his eyebrows shaped and tweezered fortnightly by a professional stylist. However he insisted that he has not allowed this regime to get in the way of addressing taxpayers concerns about the nation's rising debt levels.

Cameron meanwhile remained on the offensive claiming "That man's eyebrows could be the only thing that survives the recession" and calling for the chancellor to resign and "take his eyebrows with him".

The furore, nick-named "eyebrowgate" by the tabloids, looks set to dominate front pages over the weekend. A petition has already been started on the Downing Street website by concerned members of the public calling for Mr Darling's eyebrows to be auctioned off for the nation's benefit.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Somali Pirates "Struggling To Live Up To Public Expectations"

Somali pirates arrested following a botched attempt to hijack an oil tanker off the Arabian coast have spoken out from jail about the difficulties of doing their job in the light of public opinions about pirates.

One, code-named Roger, said "The general public have an impression of our industry which has been built up by the media and is very difficult to live up to in reality".

He highlighted fictional pirates including Long John Silver and Captain Bluebeard who he claimed bore little resemblance to the realities of modern pirate life.

He was quoted by Associated Press saying."In practice it would be almost impossible for someone with a disability like a wooden leg or an eye patch to make a successful living in this industry. Furthermore pets are strongly discouraged.

"Working as a pirate is increasingly becoming a very competitive industry and members of our trade union have reported very high levels of stress and work-related injuries. Barriers to entry have fallen dramatically and thousands of new pirates are joining the profession every day by downloading illegal copies of House or Sex and the City."

For those wishing to move up the career ladder oil tankers are an increasingly popular choice, as Roger explained, "It's not that there's anything easy about boarding an oil vessel, it's straightforward economics considering the shortage of booty being transported inter-continentally.

"Even when booty is available, it can be difficult to trade for goods and services. Golden doubloons are not recognised as legal tender outside of Harwich International port area and the wenches there would much rather work on a P&O ferry or in IT than be lashed to some riggings in a storm."

Two Albums Sell Different Numbers of Copies

Music industry experts reacted today with shock to the news that two albums, released around the same time have sold different numbers of copies.

One of the albums was recorded by a slim blonde woman while the other by a more curvaceous dark-haired woman. An industry specialist said "This clearly shows that a larger number of people have bought one of these albums than the other. We infer from that that either one of the women is a more talented singer, has a better marketing department or may have produced an album with more appealing cover artwork".

Fans of one of the women reacted with delight, saying that the numbers show how popular this woman's music is. Meanwhile fans of the other woman expressed disappointment that she had not managed to sell as many copies of her album as the other woman, despite releasing the albums around the same time.

Other musicians were quick to respond to the news with one saying he was very happy for one of the women but certain that the other would continue working in the industry. An industry executive said he was delighted for one of the women and hoped to work with her in the future.

Public reaction, add your comments:

Of course I am gutted, but I remain hopeful that she will bounce back and reverse this trend the next time she releases an album around the same time as someone else. - Bernard Timlicker, cat-owner and fan of one of the women.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Recession “Set To Be As Bad As The Black Death”

Senior treasury ministers last night warned the nation that the latest recession could be as bad as the black death that ravaged the country in the 14th century.

Speaking from Whitehall, Chancellor Alistair Darling warned of complacency and said “We must not underestimate the potential for this recession to deepen, widen and darken. The outlook if I continue to sit around and do nothing is very very bad indeed”.

Historians believe the black death may have killed as much as 20% of the English population but treasury advisers assured voters at a press conference that “mostly only the poor will be affected”.

Ministers have advised those worst hit by the recession to self-flagellate and avoid inhalation of so-called “credit crunch miasma”.

Senior Politician “Would Rather Have Easy Job”

Lord Mandelson has revealed that he would rather do something easier.

In the interview, conducted last night, the business secretary admitted he had seen a man getting paid good money to dance badly on TV with a hot blonde woman.

“I’d be up for that” he explained, “I’ve been doing politics badly for many years and it’s time to apply those skills elsewhere”.

“When I started in politics it was all pretty straightforward, we just did what we wanted and nobody really minded. Recently though the economy, healthcare service and education system have all totally fallen apart and everyone’s looking round as if I’m expected to do something about it.

“My message to the nation is this – I’m one of the team who sat around doing nothing while it got into this state, I’m certainly not interested in fixing things now. I’m ready to move into a role where I just mess about. I’d also be prepared to consider a well-paid role testing mattresses, preferably with another hot blonde woman.”